


Woozy

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 10:17:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14306568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: Phil thinks of the ends and of the beginnings and all these thoughts mix in his head like whisky and tequila he had last night





	Woozy

 

There are days when Dan sits on the couch doing things on his laptop for way too long. He can sit like this for ages, forgetting about absolutely everything – eating, drinking, peeing. Sometimes he gets dizzy when he finally stands up. Maybe it is caused by not drinking enough water. Maybe his circulatory system has a breakdown after hours of doing nothing and the sudden change of the position sets his body into a state of shock.

This is one of such days. Phil watches Dan as he gets up and stumbles. As he loses his balance. For a short moment, it looks like he’s going to fall. Phil is almost sure that he won’t. Almost. Dan usually swears in moments like these – a natural reflex – but this time he doesn’t and that’s something that baffles Phil. He gets up almost immediately because his instincts tell him to do so and because his anxious mind tells him to do so too.

He is by Dan’s side as soon as he can manage and puts his hands on Dan’s shoulders to keep him steady. It probably isn’t necessary right now but Phil does it anyway. Maybe he doesn’t even do it with the intention to help Dan at this point, maybe he just does it to reassure himself.

“I’m fine,” Dan says.

The words create an echo in Phil’s head. Suddenly, the room feels empty, every noise bounces off the walls and multiplies. The sound waves are like lasers, only a bit less sharp and a bit more shaky.

What if Dan wouldn’t be fine? What if he fell? Would Phil be able to catch him? Would he get there in time? Is he physically strong enough to prevent his body from hitting the ground?

Phil can’t imagine that something could happen to Dan. He doesn’t want to imagine.

“Phil.”

Dan’s hand covers Phil’s. In his eyes there is only worry even though it shouldn’t be like that. Dan is the one who nearly fell over, not Phil.

“Yeah? Yeah, sorry, I just…” He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what is wrong with him, if there is something wrong at all. It’s normal to care about people that you love, isn’t it?

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

That’s an automatic answer. Phil doesn’t even think about it. He just is alright, that’s a matter of fact.

 

 

Apple juice has a weird taste. An awful taste, actually. Phil takes only one sip from his glass and immediately realises that it was a mistake.

He runs to the sink as quickly as he can to spit the liquid and rinse his mouth with tap water. He tries to get rid of the disgusting taste probably a bit too violently because the water splashes everywhere - on the counter, on the floor, on his face, t-shirt and jeans. He still considers himself very lucky for being in the kitchen at the moment he decided to drink it. He thinks he could actually throw up if getting to the sink took him longer than a few seconds. This whole situation isn’t very fortunate, especially considering he still has a hangover after last night’s drinking.

Phil isn’t an excessive drinker and he definitely isn’t someone who drinks to repress his feelings. At least he has never pictured himself as a person who does that. Yesterday though, yesterday it seemed like a good idea. Getting drunk seemed like the best possible idea and he didn’t even mind mixing. Whisky, tequila – whatever. Maybe he drunk some other kind of alcohol too but he doesn’t even remember. He only remembers Dan’s confused expression and his hand on Phil’s shoulder. He remembers Dan asking him what’s wrong and telling him to stop. He remembers taking a taxi and getting home. And Dan taking Phil’s shoes off as he lied on their bed, exhausted and already drifting to sleep.

Maybe Phil’s mind is full of unresolved problems but he is still going to blame the juice and not the decisions from the last night for his current feeling of nausea. They don’t even drink apple juice that often, why did they buy it anyway?

“What’s wrong?”

That’s Dan. Dan who appears in the kitchen and stops at the door and watches Phil turning their kitchen into a small pond. Phil’s sure he looks like a wet duck at this point. He closes the tap and looks at Dan who has a concerned look on his face.

“The juice got spoiled.”

“Oh, really?”

Dan crosses the kitchen, takes the juice box from the table and sniffs it.

“It doesn’t really smell bad,” he says, raising the box to his mouth.

“Don’t drink it!”

Phil rushes to him but Dan is quicker, so he just observes how Dan’s throat moves when he swallows. Phil wants to tell him he’s an idiot but he doesn’t even get a chance.

“It’s absolutely fine for me.”

Phil doesn’t know what to say.

 

 

“You know what?”

They are in the lounge, just chilling. Well, maybe Phil isn’t exactly relaxed right now. He feels guilty because of the things he was doing last night. He also feels guilty for not remembering some of the things he was doing. God, he is old enough to not be that much of a mess.

“Mhm?”

“I’m still thinking about that apple juice incident.”

Dan laughs.

“Apple juice incident? It honestly doesn’t deserve this name.”

Phil would argue and say that everything in the world deserves a name but he doesn’t. Instead, he says something else.

“I might be pregnant.”

Phil isn’t sure why he did that. It was supposed to be a joke but it leaves a bitter taste on his tongue and it also sounds quite sad.

Dan comes up to him. Phil can’t quite read his expression right now.

“You’re just hung-over, babe.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dan sits up beside him and puts his hand on Phil’s chest. Then slides it lower, he stops when he reaches Phil’s abdomen and just holds his palm there. Phil needs to close his eyes because he feels like crying and he doesn’t want to. He so desperately doesn’t want to cry right now.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Dan moving closer to kiss him on his mouth. Phil wishes that it would help him forget, that it would pull him out of his own head but it doesn’t it happen. Dan’s hand is still where Phil’s womb would be if he was a woman and the touch is hot, somehow. Maybe even a bit inappropriate in an unexplainable way.

Dan doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to.

As they kiss, Phil thinks that Dan would be a great father. He must be still drunk from yesterday because he imagines himself pregnant, with a big belly. He imagines that there is a life underneath Dan’s hand and underneath his own skin, a tiny human with a beating heart, waiting to be born. He wants to feel another heartbeat inside of his body. He wants to keep something that belonged to Dan and let it grow. He wants to have Dan’s baby. So much that it hurts.

But it’s not everything. There is this maybe ridiculous thought in his head that Dan would suddenly disappear and that there would be absolutely nothing left.

It’s not like he wants to have children as a replacement for Dan or as a spare wheel – he wants to have kids because he thinks he would be a good parent. He hopes so. He is full of love to give, he wants a family that he could care about. He wants to have Dan and their children and he wants to keep them all warm and happy.

Dan is his family – yes - but they both will be gone at some point. Dan has some good fucking genes and Phil wants them to last, he doesn’t want Dan’s traits to just die out. There is something unimaginably cruel in the knowledge that everything that Dan is, everything that belongs to him, will no longer exist at some point.

Fear of losing Dan is the worst feeling in the world, Phil just doesn’t understand why it is so overwhelming right now.

“Dan.” His voice sounds broken, all of the sudden.

“Shh. It’s okay.”

Dan’s whisper is like a coat, like a soft blanket that Phil can cover himself with. It’s cosy and warm. It isn’t a solution to his problems but it feels nice.

“Can we talk?” Dan’s voice is gentle and it reminds Phil of candy-floss.

“Not yet,” he whispers.

Then he pulls him closer a bit desperately, as if he wants to make sure that Dan is still there.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [lovestillaround](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/) \- you can talk to me here


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